I don't trust you.
The words stung to the soul. As soon as they came out of my mouth, I regretted them. Yet, I meant them.
Emotions were high and the unknown was causing me fear. My husband and I were discussing the situation and his confidence wasn't helping me one bit. Instead of following him and benefitting from his protection as he led the way, I fought and feared. The words weren't meant to be malicious. They were expressing a brutal honesty that I knew was my fault, not his.
The words paralyzed everything. How could he help me when I rejected his help? The realization was quick: how often do I "say" those very words to the Lord as well? By "say", I mean live in such a way that my trust is in myself, not in God. Sometimes that can seem so abstract. But, with my husband that day...the words and the truth behind them were very real.
I had major trust issues.
The psychologist in you might want to diagnose issues by going back to my childhood. Don't we all want to skirt the real problem by analyzing ad nauseum? While I had a lovely upbringing with no cause for trustlessness, I do suffer from the same disease that everyone reading this does. Sin.
The sin in me wants to be in control. That ferocious need to be the one calling the shots and leading the path stems from the very beginning of time:
To the woman He said: "I will greatly multiply your sorrow and your conception; In pain you shall bring forth children; Your desire shall be for your husband, And he shall rule over you." Genesis 3: 16
The curse. Every woman will desire to do her husband's job, to rule...especially over him. Observe any little girl on a playground and chances are you will find her bossing the little boys around with great ease. It comes naturally.
And because of this, we must fight supernaturally.
What fruit did my words bring? Anger, division, hurt. Those words certainly didn't bring me any relief from fear or anxiety. They stirred up greater guilt as I realized how my heart was capable of being so horrendous. I needed to repent. I needed to confess my sin to my husband, but also to God as He was the One I ultimately distrusted.
God has been gracious to quickly show me the rotten fruit from this sin and the glorious fruit from trusting. I have a feeling that I will have many more opportunities during this lifetime to practice trusting my husband and God. That is certainly part of my sanctification. Trusting more may be part of yours as well; if not, it's definitely something else. This process is continual until Glory and it is one that conforms us more and more into the image of Christ Jesus.
As difficult as it is, I purposely throw myself into situations that cause me to utterly depend upon God. He is faithful every single time and worthy of all my trust. The struggle comes in the everyday when I think I have a slim chance of taking care of matters myself. That's when the rubber meets the road and I often stumble and fall into sin. But, I'm determined to be aware of this, be quick to confess and repent and ask God to give me a trust beyond my feelings. This is a process that actually requires great trust in God in and of itself.
Trust and love are the twin habits of victorious Christian living. --Oswald Chambers
Is your desire to be victorious as a Christian? I know it is a great desire of mine. Yet my emotions get the best of me and tear down every hope of victory. How do your emotions tear down the truth? The only answer is to believe God at His word: He is trustworthy and faithful. He is love. As we walk out in this truth, we will be victorious over the sins that come so naturally to us.
About a week after those dreadful words came out of my mouth, I saw victory. Victory over fear, division, hurt, anxiety. God is mighty! He was patient with me as I worked out my salvation with fear and trembling. He was there listening to the many prayers of intercession, confession and need for strength. Those are the times that we must remember and return to because we will, thankfully, have plenty of opportunities in this lifetime to trust God for everything we need.